Time flies. 

Every year I draw a list of resolutions - things I want to change about myself.  Things I want to do differently.  This year, goodbye list.  I'm going to work on BALANCE.  Balance in my work life, balance in my active (non-exercising) life, balance being a mom, balance being a wife. 

2012 was all about indulging, no boundaries.  With struggling with two kids, a job and a husband, I was doing a poor job trying to find balance in my life.  Too many times I would pour my heart and soul in my work, only to be burnt out a couple weeks later.  Or like this past Christmas season indulge in so many treats that my waistline suffered.  What I need is balance in my life...

I've scribbled the word "balance" everywhere I could, to remind myself constantly of my need for balance.  Looking forward to the end of 2013. Curious if I'll re-read what I wrote here to see if I have indeed kept with this one resolution for 2013.

My last week home alone with the kids and inside I'm jumping for joy, breathing a sigh of relief and counting the hours I get to wear grown up clothes, think grown up things and have grown up conversations.  I'm looking forward to having a moment to myself, eating at a normal pace and not scanning the playground for whatever mischief my son will get into. 

I have a new found respect for SAHMs.  The ability to go day and night non-stop.  Don't get me started about my respect for single moms of multiple kids.  They are able to manage their kids and still put dinner on the table.  I can't count the number of days we've eaten eggs for dinner because I didn't get a chance to cook... let alone clean, grocery shopping, etc and all on a budget.  Seriously, all of that is overwhelming.  These past 4 months have been non-stop, so many things have gone by the wayside - my poor garden looks like a jungle and my desk is piled with craft projects I have yet to finish.

What is it that makes one mother a great SAHM and another like me?  Is it how we ourselves were raised?  I did have a working mom growing up, who was available every day after 4:30pm and on the weekends.  Would I be more enclined to be a SAHM if my mother stayed at home?  Even so, my mom had help when we were growing up - someone came and cleaned/washed/cooked for us.  A lot of time a SAHM is all those things with no help!  SAHMs... you have my utmost respect.  What you do is the work of 3 women... and those that do it well..... you completely deserve a medal.  As for me, after 4 months... i'm quitting and taking the easy road and I can't wait.

I just finished reading "battle hymn of a tiger mom."  A very interesting read that made me reflect on my own upbringing and the cultural differences being brought up a Korean American.  My upbringing was atypical.  My parents were brought up Korean, but became pretty Americanized.  Unlike the book, my mom was a pseduo tiger mom.  Yes, I did start the piano at the age of 5 and was put in the spot light at an early age performing at various competitions.  We were idyllic children, no talking back, full respect, I mean IDEAL!  But unlike the typical tiger mom, my mom enrolled us in everything possible.  Her goal was to make sure we tried EVERYTHING.  I'm talking swim classes, tennis, singing, soccer, softball, dance, ice skating.  She was a hybrid tiger-soccer mom, shuttling us from lesson to lesson.  But like the tiger mom, no sleep overs, no girlfriend trips to the mall, no make up, no dances, no phone calls from friends, nothing that will distract us from our studies.  Summers were not times to hang out at the pool, but time to learn the next level of math so that we're always 2 grades ahead.  I think we were the youngest kids at SAT prep.  And then, like the book.... REBELLION!  With the start of my teens, I vetoed everything.  I remember fighting back, asking my mom to just let me be... to give me independence.  I'd envy my friends parents who gave them their freedom while I felt my parents were swallowing mine. 

But now.... now as a parent.  I completely understand what they did and why.  Reading the book, reflecting back, I know why tiger moms (and pseduo tiger moms) are the way they are.  Reading the fights in the book were like reliving mine teenage fights.  And yet, thinking about how I want to raise my children, I look back at my mom's methods and see that I too want to make sure my kids experience everything, are given the every possible opportunities and pushed to their full potential.  But I have to keep in mind, that I am married.  Raising a child with a husband who spent his youthful summers basking in the sun, playing stick ball with friends, going to countless sleep overs, and never taking a single lesson.  I hope, somewhere, between the two of us, there will be a good balance on raising our kids.  Getting the push and opportunities they need, but allowing them the freedoms to grow up.